Why 30x30...

Dear Twelve Year Old Self,

Hi Rebecca. It's me, you. It's Becca. I'm 28 now and I want to tell you about all the things that you have and have not accomplished in your life.

First I want to tell you that the plan that you have laid out for yourself goes not at all according to plan. I will break it down point by point to tell you how it all really happened.

List #1: Find "the one" Freshman year of college. Engaged by 22, married by 23, first kid (a girl) by 25, then 4 other kids by 29.

Life: Well you did go to college! That was a score, considering that seemed if-y for a while. You met someone your freshman year of college and thought he was the one. Fuck it. Some days you still think that he's the one, but he's not. He's a DICK. He treated you like shit and you sat around for years as his steadfast "friend". You swore up and down that any minute this would turn into the love that people envied. The love that makes epic romantic comedies. It's not. Move on. Sadly, you don't really date anyone in college. You gain tons of friends that you love, and who love you. Friends that you will have long after college. You find out that you are really good at improv comedy, and that maybe this acting thing may just work out. You also develop a true love for drinking. And let me tell you, you have a time in college. A fucking great time.

Unfortunately, that time just doesn't equal getting engaged by 22. Hello! Dumb-ass, that's how old you are when you graduate college! You are in no way competent enough to get engaged! You have way too much sleeping around to do! Also when you graduate college and venture off into the world, that's when you truly realize that you are young. As I am sitting here right now, I know that I am still young. You don't realize that you are actually young until 25, I don't think anyone realizes it until then. Don't take life too seriously. You did that too much as a kid. Relax, there's no need to be that angry. You have plenty of time to get angrier. Don't worry, you won't lose that edge.

What I want you to take away from this "failure" is that it's okay to be single and 22. In fact, enjoy it because your sister who marries her college boyfriend at the age of 27, gets divorced by 31. So pump the breaks on till death do us part.

List #2: Marry someone who is talented, like an actor. That way we can work together all the time in our in home office!

Life: This literally could be the worst idea that you have ever had. Yes it's whimsical and charming. Romantic? Yes of course! I think that you are forgetting that you hate most people and loath spending time with them. This is true at 12, and for the most part it is the same at 28.

While you don't get married at 25, you do have more than your fair share of love, adventures and drunken nights while you live in Chicago. While in Chicago you pursue your comedy dreams. You study at Second City and iO Chicago where your idols trained. You meet friends who challenge you and friends who break your heart. Oh and remember the dick friend you were in love with in college (and I will refer to him as Dick for the rest of the blog), Dick makes a cameo in your life in Chicago. And in true Dick fashion, he breaks your heart, your spirit, again. Like I said you have a lot of life to live. No matter how cozy the picture of you and your husband reading scripts in your shared office is, its time to move on.

However 12 year old self, I still love how we decorated the shared office. Glad to see that you had great classic design style even then.

List #3: Raise 4-5 beautiful and well adjusted all while managing a very successful movie career.

Life: Obviously you know by now this does not happen. However you are raising 4-5 while you nanny for your sister and live in her basement from ages 27-present. Yes your sister got married, had a baby, got divorced and now lives with a man who has 4 of his own kids from a previous marriage. In the simplest terms, you are the Alice to their Brady Bunch. Most days it's great, because most days there are no kids. Even when the kids are there, they are pretty okay kids. It's even better that they are not yours.

Why am I writing this letter to the past? I think we all have a 12 year old girl lurking inside. She's there, festering. Sitting there gathering dust, while her hopes, dreams and judgements echo through my whole body. Fuck her. Right? She knows nothing. I still know nothing even to this day. So I guess the only real difference between me and my 12 year old self is that i can acknowledge that I know nothing.

My 12 year old nemesis is the reason for my 30x30 list. The bitch has been haunting me for years. No matter how much I travel, perform or have amazing experiences that she never planned, she is always there.

I have lived a life. Not the one I penned for myself many years ago, but a life that is mine. No matter how pathetic it has been at times.

My 30x30 is a challenge to myself, to do things that I never planned. I plan on spending the last year of my 20's running towards 30. Embracing it. Fuck you 12 year old self, stop judging me and grow up.

Forever yours,

Self 28